


'Til it Hurts or Fades or Bleeds in Time

by creatingconstellations



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Break Up, F/M, Hogwarts, Pre-War, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-07
Updated: 2015-11-07
Packaged: 2018-04-30 09:56:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5159450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/creatingconstellations/pseuds/creatingconstellations
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They are just kids who believe love is enough to save the world.</p>
            </blockquote>





	'Til it Hurts or Fades or Bleeds in Time

**Author's Note:**

> Written for tumblr's jilyweek. The title comes from State of Grace by Taylor Swift. Listen to the acoustic version. It will change your life. I apologize in advance for all the angst.

“Do you love me?” 

The words are a hopeless plea. His voice breaks, as if he already knows the answer. The beautiful boy, broken by his own worthless hope. 

“I do, you know I do, James. But it’s not enough,” she wrings her fingers together, as if she can knot them permanently, stop them from doing any more harm. She can’t - won’t - look at him. If she does, she would give in, tell him that she loves him more than the stars love the moon; more than the tiny insignificant people of earth love the stars. 

She doesn’t look at him. His eyes dig into her, she can  _feel_ them burning into the top of her head, begging her for something she cannot give. 

She stares at her shoes. 

“That’s bullshit, Lily! It’s bullshit and you know it. How is that not enough?” 

“I don’t have to justify myself to you,” her words are vicious, as sharp as a blade. She cuts him open, spilling his insides on the carpet, choking the breath out of his lungs. There is something rusty red on the tip of her shoes. She’s pretty sure it’s blood.  _His_ blood. His valiant, idiotic blood. She thinks she’s going to throw up. “Just- just go, please.” 

“No. No, this does not get to end like this,” his blood is boiling in his veins, popping and moving, just waiting to spill over the surface. How dare she try to shove him aside, as if this never meant anything at all. How dare she tell him that love isn’t enough, when it is the only thing that holds him together. The only thing running through his veins, pushing him forward, keeping him going. How dare she tell him that love is not enough to save the world? “You don’t get to push me away because you’re  _afraid._ What are you so scared of?” 

His voice rings with vindictiveness, but also with the pain of someone who has lost sight of everything that ever mattered. He feels like he’s seven again, yelling at his mother because she walked through the door alone, because she would never walk through the door with his father again.  _Please, Lily, just help me understand._

She finally looks up at this, her green eyes flashing with pain and valiance and everything that he has ever feared he would see in her eyes. Her look could cut glass. 

He almost falls to his knees.

“You want to know what I’m afraid of? Besides the darkness outside my window? Besides the people right outside these grounds, their wands pointed at me? Besides my oblivious parents, sitting at home, not knowing that they’re targets too? You really want to know what terrifies me the most?” Her voice drops to a whisper, stinging through the darkness of the head common room that grows and grows between them. The words wriggle into his skin and his bones, electrifying his every tendon. 

“I am  _afraid_  for you! I am terrified that you will get hurt or worse because of me. You almost died today, for  _me._ I will not let that happen,” she’s walking towards him now, her fingers curling into fists at her sides, her hands shaking despite her efforts to stop it. James just stands there, hoping and wishing that he could freeze time. Go back to a month ago, before it became apparent to him that he would die for her. Go back to seven years ago when they were innocent and death had never grazed their little hands. “This is not your fight. This is not your war.  _I_ am the one they want gone. And so I will be the one to fight. And if I need to let you go to keep you safe, I will. Just please James, let me let you go.”

He almost laughs. A cold calm sweeps over him. It sends shivers through his bones, but he does not feel it. There is a ringing in his ears. All there is is him and her and his disgustingly valiant will to fight.

 “You think I’m only doing this for you? Because I’m not. I’m doing this for every first year that has nightmares because one of their parents has been murdered. I’m doing this for Sirius, who can’t go home without being attacked because he had the nerve to fucking care about people. I’m doing this for my parents, who with their dying breaths told me to  _fight._ I love you, Lily. I do. But if you think for a second that this is only about you, then you need to check yourself. Because I  _will_ be fighting. No matter if we’re together or not.”

They’re close enough to touch now, his speech somehow brining him closer to her. Her mouth is set in a firm line, but he can see her lip shaking, as if trying to contain words or sobs or screams or something else that they have become all too familiar with in the past few weeks. For a second it looks like she might kiss him, forget this fight ever happened. 

She takes a step back. He tries to ignore the stab of pain he feels in his heart. Because despite this not being all about her, he doesn’t know if he can go on without her. He thinks that if she leaves this room right now, he may crumble to the floor, a thousand pieces that used to be a person. 

“I know this isn’t all about me,” her voice is softer now, and there are silent tears that grace her cheeks. She looks so beautiful, like one of the goddesses his mother used to tell him stores about, powerful and beautiful and bringing destruction through love. “But that doesn’t change anything. Because being with me only makes you more of a target. And if I can do anything to keep you even a little bit safer than you are now, I’ll do it. And so I’m ending this.”

His hands are shaking. He looks down. So are hers. He can feel tears slipping down his cheeks, but he makes no move to stop them. He doesn’t care if he cries. Doesn’t care if he cracks and crumbles right here in front of her. Maybe then she’ll understand. Maybe then she’ll know that he can’t do this without her. That even now it feels like the sky is breaking around him, turning his skin to dust. 

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” he croaks out. Damn his voice for not being stronger. Damn his heart for not being wiser. “We’re so much stronger together. And hell, I don’t care about safety. I care about  _you._ I would rather spend one day with you than years with anyone else. You know that right? Lily, you have to know that.”

“I’m sorry,” her voice cracks, and the sky falls. “I just can’t do it. I could never live with myself if I was even a tiny part of the reason something happened to you.”

He opens his mouth, but she cuts him off. “Stop James. Just stop. There’s nothing you can say.”

“I love you,” the words are a prayer that isn’t answered.

Then she’s running towards him, throwing her arms around his neck. Her lips meet his in one final kiss. Their hot tears mix together, until they are both covered in the other’s sadness. The kiss is a frenzy, passionate and longing, and  _oh it is not enough._

“I love you too,” the words muffle against his lips, broken and shattered, but they are all she has to give. 

And then she’s gone. 

This time he really does fall to his knees. 

* * *

 

It takes a month. A month of silent looks and silent tears. A month of hoping and screaming and believing and praying to a God she no longer thinks exists. 

It takes a month. Until she’s back in his arms. Until she’s telling him he was right. That she can’t do this without him, that if she’s going to die she wants to do it with him by her side. 

She apologizes again and again. He tells her it’s okay. Tells her he loves her. Tells her she is the only thing he believes in. 

And in that moment, wrapped in his arms, she believes for a sliver of a second that this love will be enough to pull them through. 

* * *

 

It almost was. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I warned you it was sad. 
> 
> Talk to me about it on [Tumblr ](http://expectoepatronums.tumblr.com/)


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